Monthly Archives: April 2013

Why the one who helps you cannot help themself?

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Why the one who helps you cannot help themself?

My journey to help others came purely out of my joy of seeing them find ways of attaining a greater peace within themselves. But behind closed doors my own struggles were what gave me the ability to answer their problems.

It feels like I’ve had a life time of trying to find my feet, and I never could quite catch contentment although I seen it flutter before me like a a butterfly.

I realize now that my pain has a purpose, and that is to help people move into the next realm of existence, and that thought in itself gives me my contentment.

However my quest for success continues as i’m thrown trial after trial which leaves me in a pose of contemplation, figuring out how I will find the way out of the despair that overcomes me in these difficult times.

I’ve met some amazing people who have listened to me. But I have yet to come across those that truly understand me, that can give me that key to spritual enlightenment which is all I seek.

In the meantime when someone makes dua for me, I secretly scream Ameen waiting for a sprinkle of happiness that comes to me through life.

Although amazingly hard, being a single mom has to be one of the toughest but most rewarding expereinces of all. My children only have to smile and throw me a big hug and my quest is complete, until the next time…

Never judge a Muslimah by her veil!

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Never judge a Muslimah by her veil!

Why oh why do people feel the need to impose their views in a manner that leaves another feeling sad. You have the group of people who look on the veiled woman in disgust. Then there is the group of people who think the woman covered from head to toe is a saint.

Truth is the way we dress no longer reflects our level of faith or devotion to God. Because unfortunatley culture has played a substantial part in affecting the way one is dressed.

I think this picture is a great example of what i’m trying to say, as it reflects what people would see as balanced verses extreme.

Hijaab is a set of conditions, and to my knowledge the basics are:
1) To show a minimum of hands and Face
2) Not to show the shape of your body
3) To wear a material that is not too thin or see through
4) Not to resemble the opposite sex
5) Not to resemble the dressing of the disbelievers
6) Not to stand out with reference to colours

I’m sure there is one more? Anyway according to the above conditions, I just felt the need to raise this is people all too often hold high importance to the way a woman is dressed. I personally think what is most important is the woman’s understanding of Tawheed (The oneness of God)

I loved myself and then I cried

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I loved myself and then I cried

Some people knew and some people didn’t know about the abuse I suffered in my past. But what I knew, is something had to change dramatically.

Interestingly enough, many times I would relate my story, and people would gasp, some would be brought to tears, but my heart remained numb. I could hear myself but never could I relate to the pain of the story.

It took approximatley 1 year before my journey to start loving myself began. I had questions, and many questions. These led me to face the answers head on. I had to accept the people or factors that had contributed to my demise.

I slowly started to retreat, cut people off and accept who was truly good for me. But the greatest momement on this journey and most painful, even more painful than all of the abuse i’d suffered was when I realised I loved myself.

As it had been a while since I related the story I hadn’t had the opportunity to know what was about to happen. Right there as I told my story to someone who was seeking advice via the internet, I connected with myself, I realised this had happened to me! And for the first time in all of my life I cried, and cried and cried.

Walking away and Staying Away!

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Walking away and Staying Away!

We enter this world fully stretched out and standing tall. And slowly expereince after experience our self image is chipped away at, programming our very essence. Before you know it, your ability to think and love for yourself dimenshes as you question what you can do to put it right. And that feeling of standing tall, curls up into a tiny ball.

You can never put an age to this process, for some it may be in adulthood, and for others in their early childhood experiences. And if you are very fortunate you may never see this day.

It is a time when you totally surrender your love to the one you thought was supposed to look after you. But when that trust is abused, you are left totally disabled while you figure out how to remove yourself from this vortex of despair.

Freeing yourself, takes a lot of courage, and the stronger you get, it seems the stronger your abuser fights to get you back where it is comfortable for them, to have you belong.

The picture in this blog, may give you the thoughts of a man, abusing a woman, but this is not always the case. This picture represents the many women I speak to on a daily basis who have been left in circumstance by family and loved ones.

Walking away means you have accepted that you deserve better, but staying away can only be done when you love yourself enough to say I will never knowingly put myself in that position again. And I say knowingly because it is not always apparent who will abuse your love.

Finally, do not have a hand in this abuse, because once you acknowledge what is happending you have to love yourself enough to walk away and stay away, I did!

Its not what happened, its how you get through it!

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Its not what happened, its how you get through it!

All too many times i’ve found myself exchanging my life story with others. In the beginning it was cause I needed help, and I thought just telling someone would solve my problems. Life soon taught me that was not going to happen.

I then tried to fix the problem myself, and in doing so I became people pleaser expert in a hope that by helping them and giving them what I wanted, I eventually would recieve the same. This didn’t happen.

Now this journey of self discoverey or what ever we are going to call it meant as time went on, I eventually became an expert at managing holistic well being. And in doing so here is what I learnt.

And that is, sharing my story was not important when it came to moments where someone wanted to tell me their sad expereinces or difficulties with me. What was important was listening to the person, and valuing those expereince. And here comes the most important part. Teaching them to stop seeking dependance from others. On this whole journey of self discoverey we have to get to a point where we acknowledge our own power, how we manage it.

If you give it all to one person, prepare to fail, however if you depend on nothing or no one except your Lord and Creator SWT you will then find your peace insha Allah

Making time for things that matter Mummy!

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Picture this…You walk into to her house, a beautiful aroma greets you.  The Carpet is freshly hoovered, the table looks fit for immediate first class dining.  Bedding smells fresh, all clothese are ironed.  Fridge is full with healthy snacks, dinner is prepared! And there she is the woman of the house looking fabulous.  Hair groomed, nails manicured, stunning outfit, with her children at her side, looking just as shiny and brand new.

Isn’t this the perfect little picture, and so many women acheive this, and well… I applaud you ladies I do.  So recently I set out to achieve this little fantasy, can’t be that hard, can it? 

Well it can, and it takes the ultimate self sacrifice!  I wrote a post recently highlighting the importance of making time for yourself, but I must add in order to achieve this we must be very regimental and ready to put our famillies before other people. 

Its only been a couple of weeks and already i’m seeing the benefits.  I’m not saying I neglected my children, I do my best however, during these holidays I realised I can do more. 

This week I took my children out to a nature centre, prior to reaching our destination we stopped for lunch.  Just as we were finishing I recieved a phonecall from work. ‘I’m just going to stop by the office’, I told my son.  He’s response hit me hard, ‘I knew this would happen’.  Right there I realised my son had accepted who I was, but for a tiny shimmer of a moment he vented a frustration that he wanted more.

We went to the nature centre and the world didn’t end because I didn’t go to work.  My new schedule is very much built around my children, and although it gives me little time to myself (which is totally needed and very important) I wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Only God knows the endurance and determination it takes to be there for your children at times when you just want to be looked after yourself.  But interestingly enough ‘what goes around comes around’, and if you invest in your children the way you should, when your hour of need arrives in old age and you have to be dependant on them.  Hopefully they’ll understand the sacrifices they have to make, without any hesitiation.

Do I put myself first or my kids?

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Ok I’m literally counting down the days till school is back on.  One part of me can’t wait for the routine to kick in, another part of me is totally paniciking.  For me the school holiday is the chance to get on top of anything that slowly slipped past my radar.

Today I sat down with my son and we set out a schedule for the week.  We put his activities first, as he is now 10 years old I feel the need to commit to him some time for his social activities that prepare him for this wicked world.

By the time i’d done my son’s time, my daughters time, work and housework there was little time for me.  Now learning from past mistakes this term i’ve made a commitment to give a little more to me.  A mom who makes a little time for herself has to be better than a mom who gives everything, and as a result hasn’t seen a hair or beauty salon in almost a decade.

‘It has to be done’, I told myself whilst I lay on a salon bed getting a facial.  I mean being successful is a life lesson for children in itself isn’t it?

How I secretly wonder how other mothers manage to look fabulous with their hair done, make-up on and ironed clothes lol.  In order to achieve this level of success I have made some serious changes, and the most important one was time for myself.