The kids are in bed, the housework has been done, and now I turn to greet the silence. Never did I anticipate a time would come where with the silence of the night greeted me with a feeling of tranquillity.
During the past couple of years, time alone with my thoughts has been a battle. And I recall every night ending with my thoughts suffocating me with their pain and desperation to be heard.
The truth hurts, but it really will set you free. So my free writing began, and for the past year I would write down my thoughts, allowing myself to observe the child within scream that she was in pain.
Everyone’s story is different, and I’ve learnt that whether it is the neglect of a drunken mother, or the constant beatings from an ignorant father or the abuse of a family member, the emotional void that is created is undeniably the beginning of turmoil that will not be silenced until its injustice is heard.
My justice came with forgiveness!
As I take a little time out to do some computer work, my daughter climbs on my lap. I give her a cuddle and she reaches out for her bowl of grapes. I get it for her and then she hands me one. We smile at each other as we eat.
We often get bombarded with so many beliefs about what makes us happy and become confused. What I love about the gift of children is that opportunity to dance in the rays of unconditional love and be faced with the simply reminders of attaining happiness.
In light of all the drama in the media, part of me wanted to disappear into a hole where attitudes and beliefs have not being manipulated from their true form. It got me thinking where did it all go wrong?
We all bleed the same blood, and no life should be shown more value in the event of a death. But somehow the media have been given full consent to broadcast as they see fit, manipulating the masses to behave as they have predicted. It’s like a big social experiment unravels before our eyes and limitations are pushed. All of a sudden the news of a death reaches us with a label, beautiful, kind, great humanitarian, Christian, Soldier, child, elder, rich and we are forced to respond.
How I’d love to live in a village where trade was animals, or skill or belongings. I wonder who and when decided money would be a good idea. It seems money has over taken the qualities of mankind, like kindness, honesty and being charitable.
Today I’m pushed off my high horse lying on the floor wondering where my desire to live in this world will take me. A place where money has little value. I see people killing themselves unable to pay taxes, bills or provide food for their families. People giving all of their time on this earth to a job they hate. I pray that my own circumstances will not force me to wake up and make the same choices. I continue to hold on to my values and not let money make who I am, but rather I continue to earn money so I may spend it with my loved ones travelling through this land called earth.
With ‘Woolwich’ being front page news my heart became heavy as I knew that there would be repercussions.
The following day I took a deep breath and headed out for another day. As to be expected, many people in their cars wouldn’t give me way, and eyes glared at me in anger and disgust.
Later I went shopping and was met with those who went out of their way to give me the biggest smile ever which was well needed.
I got home relieved the day was over but still my heart was heavy. I was disgraced to hear about the behaviour of 2 individuals who called themselves Muslims. ‘Not in the name of Islam’, that is all I kept saying as nothing justified what they did in Islam.
The next day as I got ready I looked out of my window, only to gasp at the sight of one of my neighbours who had removed her head scarf.
I continued to get ready and headed for work. As I hit the dual carriage way I looked in my mirror only to see a white transit van coming up close and fast to me. I indicated left to come out of the lane only to be blocked by another transit van. The men in the vans laughed. I accelerated and took the next available turning.
As I reached work I was shaken up. I’m a mother and someone who is loving and promotes well being among all of humanity. It is a shame that these small minded people felt it was OK for them to treat me and other people, this way because of their ignorance or failure to acknowledge that we are all the same.
Despite my battles, I refuse to remove my headscarf as I fear NO ONE but Allah. If the way I was dressed was about the way people thought of course I would look very different. But no one knows their creation better than the creator; I therefore continue to strive, fulfilling the one that matters.
I am Muslim, I am British and I am a mother! Alhamdulilah Praise be to Allah
As I put down the phone, I feel the orb of emotion swirling in the centre of my chest, waiting to be dispersed. Never would I ever have imagined that I would get to a point where I could decide how I would let this energy travel.
Emotion means energy in emotion and often leads to Love, Hate, Anger, Sadness and the list goes on.
Now most people, rather than observing their state of emotions rush to something that gives them temporary emotional gratification, diverting the destination of the emotion to a state of intoxication or bliss which they receive through different ways.
For some it’s smoking, drinking, shopping, eating, having sex or going to the gym. But what is really needed is to find a way of directing our energy to an outlet that enables us to restore equilibrium once our waters having being disturbed.
As I finish writing this blog, this orb of energy has become less intense but still very much present. So I’m off to have a good cry, forgive myself and continue with the day. Till the next storm!
Someone asked me once, “What do you get out of writing your blogs”. And to be honest, at first I really didn’t start blogging to get attention, I just felt good creating what I considered to be a healthy outlet for my thoughts.
As blogs went by, my confidence to unveil my inner thoughts began to increase as I realized that people connected with my spiritual journey of self-discovery.
Not too long ago, I surrounded myself with people who never once praised me for what I did. This behaviour from people I desperately wanted approval from, forced me to push myself beyond common expectations, just to get a reaction.
A transition began when I started radio presenting, and that coupled with the blogging revealed to me a truth I still struggle to accept. And that is, I’m good at what I do because I can relate to people’s pain.
Years of abuse have prepared me to be the kind of person that can see the fake smile from a mile off. As a good friend of mine said, you can’t help others till you’ve helped yourself.
So after abandoning most of the emotional dependencies one finds to silence the cries from within. I have braved what I as a travelling soul needed to face. And as a result I can begin to share how I released myself with the Aid of Allah SWT from the chains of oppression which we find ourselves in once the veil of darkness has been lifted.
And the most beautiful part about it all is my own sigh of gratification to my Lord. That my pain had a purpose, a purpose to inspire others towards spiritual healing In sha Allah (God Willing).
When it all gets too much, our whole body naturally falls into submission as we proclaim, ‘I surrender’. Exhausted from trying so hard to find the answers that lead a person to that inner peace.
Our quest for Love never stops; some find it in people and others, in things. For whatever reason we fail to turn to the one who is capable of removing what was placed before us and that is ‘the Most High and Most Merciful’.
As my journey of self-love continues and my lessons of love evolve, my greatest lesson of all finally arrived. I learnt that loving is truly a skill that must be mastered in order to achieve that peace and tranquillity in life.
I begin by investing everything I have to the one who gave it, Allah (SWT). In Arabic its called ‘Tawakkul’, total reliance and dependence on Allah. In doing so, I no longer have to rely on myself alone to make the right decisions, but rather give it all to Allah (SWT) and ask for guidance in this realm we call the dunya (material world).
A very heavy load has been shifted and I give praise and thanks to Allah for everything. As I now see, ‘my pain had a purpose’. To be continued…