Apparently it was my fault he hurt me! Sitting in the hospital I pondered over the many questions that ran through my mind at 200 miles per hour. The hospital staff gave me that look as I relayed them my story, “I fell”.
Looking back I reflect on how I tried to reach out to many people about my abuse, which at the time I myself didn’t recognise. So my stories didn’t sound like, “help me I’m been abused”, rather it sounded like, “Can you believe he did that to me”!
The abuse cast a very big cloud of darkness over my soul, and behind my big smile when all was quite the wounds would feel as though they were torn open, and I’d have to face the reality of my sorrow.
Through my sorrow my conscience struggled to understand why people didn’t respond to the seriousness of the matter in the first place. A couple of days after the abuse I lost my baby, and although I was only in the first trimester I was overcome with grief and guilt questioning whether it was my fault the pregnancy hadn’t been completed. I guess I wanted to be able to blame someone for not taking responsibility of the situation.
Time is a healer they say, and sure enough as time passed I began to heal. The more I grew to love myself, the more I had to revisit whether or not I had forgiven the one that was meant to protect me while I was his wife.
Finally the time came where I looked around and realised the silence of abuse does nothing to help provide solutions to the many webs of communities that fail to protect the victims of this atrocious disease of the heart and mind. I have stopped looking for others to take responsibility and now take full charge of speaking out against this act. “Allah does not change the state of a people until they change themselves”. I turned to people to help me, but in doing so I discovered the many injustices that exist and interrupt the process to establish healthy relationships.
Was it my fault? I’ll let you answer that, but in the meant time I’m very ready to deliver talks on this topic addressing my healing process and the many initiatives I’m involved in to help women learn how to live and not just survive.