I was so confident something would happen. I’m not quite sure what exactly, but something. Sat in a circle on our chairs everyone’s faces were dark with the weight of what they knew. Confronted I was sure he would deny it all, so I took a great leap of faith with my counsellor by my side. Only 15 years old, and while some may call it naive, I saw courage and strength. My counsellor had prepared me, and thought it was very optimistic that all of the family were so interested. And so the moment came, someone asked, ” Did you abuse her then, did you sexually abuse her”?
You could cut the air with a knife. I don’t remember anyone sitting next to me, however I do remember the faces in the room. Waiting for his answer was like a man standing in front of me with a gun, would he fire a blank, kill me or walk away. “yes he said I did”. Quite a lot of people burst into tears, including his wife, who I felt it most for, If I’d have kept quite I wouldn’t have put her through so much. The echoes of the past that still live with me today.
So what next? How did this family react, did they react even? The answer is a shocking NO. NOTHING, no shouting, no beating no screaming. For me it just seemed like business as usual, and little did I know what lay ahead of me. All the preparing my counsellor did went down the drain. Cause what took me years to learn is that been abused was the least of my worries. It was how my family responded that lead me further into a world of abuse, vulnerability, guilt, denial, acceptance and forgiveness to free myself from a harsh reality. I never was a victim in their eyes.