How often do you sit down alone, with no interruptions, I mean phone off, tell others not to disturb you, close your eyes and be still. Anyone who does this regularly will know immediately it isn’t easy as a flood of questions and a bombardment of words come rushing into our heads. Very quickly you can identify what is over consuming your time and energy for either addressing it or not.
I’ve learnt that until we find peace with this moment and regain clarity and control, this backlog of tasks will eventually take its toll on us one way or another. But its not that which I wish to address today. It is the ability to recognise what or who really controls our behaviour. It could be a habit for some, people for some, dreams, or hurt. Either way until we resolve or establish a means of being in control, we will lead very miserable lives.
Over the years I have battled to submit and give my control to the worship of my Lord, and alongside this intention I have been tested. I’m no angel, and in the past I had become dependant on a habit which intoxicated me to the point of freeing me from the very ambush of conversation I today can sit still and be alone with. But it took a lot of cold turkey, tears, failure and determination to arrive at this place.
The more I strived to be at peace with myself and the more I had to challenge the negative self that I had allowed to grow out of fear of facing it. The questions were painful, but they required certainty in forgiveness before I could move forward. I arrived at certainty, but the wait for its delivery sometimes overwhelmed me and I would fall.
We’re living in a time where people are quick to make money off an all too common state of being people have found themselves in, distracting themselves from being alone with social media, drugs, alcohol, sexual activity, work or anything else that will convince them that doing this is better than been alone.
I’m not claiming my time alone is easy, but it has proved to be my greatest strength at winning the battle against my heart that is often all too quick to fall in love with that which is not good for me because I haven’t recognised my worth. Work in progress, but for now I feel confident enough to say I’m back in control and no longer being controlled by that which is always self serving, and no good for me.