Category Archives: self development

The truth behind abuse

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The truth behind abuse

As time unravels it throws me balls of enlightenment that force me to go back before I can move forward. And although this journey of self-healing isn’t easy, the fruits it bear at the end are all worth it.
Now who knew that my innocence being stolen at the hands of a man who thought disturbing my youth was right, would leave me totally disabled when trying to form healthy relationships.
I meet so many people with scars of sexual abuse, that I now find myself being able to spot them from a mile alongside their struggles which are equally as horrific as their stories.
The healing part however is never so easy for me to explain, as most people become emotionally dependent on drugs, drinks or whatever fixes possible to fill the emotional void that screams ‘LISTEN TO ME!’ This in turn only delays the ability to heal, as its one more item to the list of recovery.
Even today I struggle to make the right choices, but I’m not yet broken. I somehow find the strength to get back up when life gets me down.
Examining my past has definitely freed me from the burdens I held for so many years, trying to get the attention and love from people I was certain could love me how I felt I should be loved. And when this belief was broken again and again and again I finally turned to myself. I became fed up of depending on other people and other things that got me nowhere with my own desire to find answers.
Healing began when I learned to believe in myself enough to work through my problems. It was like cold turkey, turning away from things that gave me temporary relief from the emotional void that demanded to be attended to. I didn’t call anyone; I didn’t turn to food, or drink or smoking.
I wrote down everything that came to mind, and slowly started to reconnect with myself, sobbing because of the pain I saw displayed from my writings. I was always so keen to help others, but finally I saw an urgency to help myself! Ultimately forming a good and healthy relationship with myself is what propels me today to make the right choices. I can only pray that people who have also been through similar experiences can begin on the right path by spending time with themselves to determine who they are!

I surrender to Love!

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I surrender to Love!

When it all gets too much, our whole body naturally falls into submission as we proclaim, ‘I surrender’. Exhausted from trying so hard to find the answers that lead a person to that inner peace.

Our quest for Love never stops; some find it in people and others, in things. For whatever reason we fail to turn to the one who is capable of removing what was placed before us and that is ‘the Most High and Most Merciful’.

As my journey of self-love continues and my lessons of love evolve, my greatest lesson of all finally arrived. I learnt that loving is truly a skill that must be mastered in order to achieve that peace and tranquillity in life.

I begin by investing everything I have to the one who gave it, Allah (SWT). In Arabic its called ‘Tawakkul’, total reliance and dependence on Allah. In doing so, I no longer have to rely on myself alone to make the right decisions, but rather give it all to Allah (SWT) and ask for guidance in this realm we call the dunya (material world).

A very heavy load has been shifted and I give praise and thanks to Allah for everything. As I now see, ‘my pain had a purpose’. To be continued…

Be Obedient not a doormat!

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Be Obedient not a doormat!

When I first start practicing Islam I was so eager to be obedient that I lost the ability to think. Everything I did was referenced by what was in accordance with Islam. Now of course that is wonderful for the believer, howver it becomes dangerous if you take your sources about obedience from the wrong places.

At a very traumatic time in my life, I needed answers so I applied what I understood to be Quran and Sunnah. But was met with people who gave me their personal opinions which were heavily influenced by their own cultural conformaties on how to conduct yourself in times of difficulties.

Deep in my heart I was unsetteled by the many advices that came to me, but who was I to argue with an imam who had studied for years. And my own family pressures to uphold a precise manner was also preventing me from saying that I disagreed which in turn would send me looking for the right answers.

Praise be to Allah eventually a sister came along who oberserved me chatting about my expereinces and responses. The sister began sending me knowledge from Quran and Sunnah that began to help me distinguish between knowledge and right knowledge.

I therefore felt obliged to write this post as I now hear about many women who are treated by their husbands and famillies in ways that are most definatley not from Quran and Sunnah.

For me my faith in Allah did carry me through my turmoil as Allah sent me people who confirmed the little twitches of doubt I had about people’s opinions and conduct.

Therefore I say always go back to the basics, what are your rights as a woman, daughter’s, sister’s and wife’s in Islam? Because if you are not getting them and you acknowledge this, you become the oppressor as only you can free yourself from this injustice.

And Allah knows best

Love shouldn’t hurt

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Love shouldn't hurt

Coming to a stage in your life when you decide to tell all those that you love and you were never good enough for to either take what you are given or leave it, has to be one of the most liberating experiences for the self.

Our first expereince of loving people who cannot love us back the right way has to be family. I had first hand expereince of exhausting myself to do what I thought would keep my family happy. The consequences was living a life of desicions that pleased everyone else but me.

Until we finally accept or learn that our family should not of loved us with conditions but rather supported us when we make desicions they may or not agree with.

My famillies approach to this set me up for a lot of years trying to figure out why I ended up in a relationship that replicated the very same controlling measures and type of relationship.

Although looking back my life seems like the ultimate car crash, i’m greatful to have been on the journey of self discovery, because had i have never un learnt this type of loving, I probably would have just passed it on through my children.

Although painful, removing those that abused this love or distancing myself from these people enabled me to heal and grow.

Until the day finally arrived when i’d expect nothing less than the best for myself, despite how it seemed to others.

Loving yourself has to be one of the most gratifying expereinces ever, because for the first time in my life, I can put myself before others as I previously had great difficulty in doing.

I’m not dismissing that helping others is something that should be stopped, but rather that we take care of ourselves so we understand how we can share that advice with others and help others implement it.

Ultimately love should not hurt, and when we find outselves in relationships like this, assesment is important to define whether we are being pateint or opressing ourselves by staying in a relationship we struggle with.

And Allah knows best!

The £100 Face!

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The £100 Face!

Did I really just spend £100 on 4 products! Does the price or brand of make up really make a difference to how you look?

My new journey of increasing my self worth found me at my favourite make up stand. Why not just start wearing the make up I wore when I looked fabulous I thought. Bear in mind, this was approximatley 10 years ago.

Today was a groundbreaking moment, as rather than choose to buy pyjamas for my son, I chose to go MAKE-UP shopping.

I walked up to the assistant and she gave me what I needed and off I headed to the till. It was only until I got to the till with my items that I nearly had heart failure when she mentioned the price.

Back at home I put my make-up on and was more than happy with the results. I looked younger and appeared to have clear healthy looking skin.

Is this right, I began to wonder? Am I decieving myself and those around me by putting this make-up on. Or is it a joy waiting to be visited and shared as I begin my art of applying make-up and transforming my tired pale face into THE HUNDRED DOLLAR FACE!

Why the one who helps you cannot help themself?

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Why the one who helps you cannot help themself?

My journey to help others came purely out of my joy of seeing them find ways of attaining a greater peace within themselves. But behind closed doors my own struggles were what gave me the ability to answer their problems.

It feels like I’ve had a life time of trying to find my feet, and I never could quite catch contentment although I seen it flutter before me like a a butterfly.

I realize now that my pain has a purpose, and that is to help people move into the next realm of existence, and that thought in itself gives me my contentment.

However my quest for success continues as i’m thrown trial after trial which leaves me in a pose of contemplation, figuring out how I will find the way out of the despair that overcomes me in these difficult times.

I’ve met some amazing people who have listened to me. But I have yet to come across those that truly understand me, that can give me that key to spritual enlightenment which is all I seek.

In the meantime when someone makes dua for me, I secretly scream Ameen waiting for a sprinkle of happiness that comes to me through life.

Although amazingly hard, being a single mom has to be one of the toughest but most rewarding expereinces of all. My children only have to smile and throw me a big hug and my quest is complete, until the next time…

I loved myself and then I cried

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I loved myself and then I cried

Some people knew and some people didn’t know about the abuse I suffered in my past. But what I knew, is something had to change dramatically.

Interestingly enough, many times I would relate my story, and people would gasp, some would be brought to tears, but my heart remained numb. I could hear myself but never could I relate to the pain of the story.

It took approximatley 1 year before my journey to start loving myself began. I had questions, and many questions. These led me to face the answers head on. I had to accept the people or factors that had contributed to my demise.

I slowly started to retreat, cut people off and accept who was truly good for me. But the greatest momement on this journey and most painful, even more painful than all of the abuse i’d suffered was when I realised I loved myself.

As it had been a while since I related the story I hadn’t had the opportunity to know what was about to happen. Right there as I told my story to someone who was seeking advice via the internet, I connected with myself, I realised this had happened to me! And for the first time in all of my life I cried, and cried and cried.