As time unravels it throws me balls of enlightenment that force me to go back before I can move forward. And although this journey of self-healing isn’t easy, the fruits it bear at the end are all worth it.
Now who knew that my innocence being stolen at the hands of a man who thought disturbing my youth was right, would leave me totally disabled when trying to form healthy relationships.
I meet so many people with scars of sexual abuse, that I now find myself being able to spot them from a mile alongside their struggles which are equally as horrific as their stories.
The healing part however is never so easy for me to explain, as most people become emotionally dependent on drugs, drinks or whatever fixes possible to fill the emotional void that screams ‘LISTEN TO ME!’ This in turn only delays the ability to heal, as its one more item to the list of recovery.
Even today I struggle to make the right choices, but I’m not yet broken. I somehow find the strength to get back up when life gets me down.
Examining my past has definitely freed me from the burdens I held for so many years, trying to get the attention and love from people I was certain could love me how I felt I should be loved. And when this belief was broken again and again and again I finally turned to myself. I became fed up of depending on other people and other things that got me nowhere with my own desire to find answers.
Healing began when I learned to believe in myself enough to work through my problems. It was like cold turkey, turning away from things that gave me temporary relief from the emotional void that demanded to be attended to. I didn’t call anyone; I didn’t turn to food, or drink or smoking.
I wrote down everything that came to mind, and slowly started to reconnect with myself, sobbing because of the pain I saw displayed from my writings. I was always so keen to help others, but finally I saw an urgency to help myself! Ultimately forming a good and healthy relationship with myself is what propels me today to make the right choices. I can only pray that people who have also been through similar experiences can begin on the right path by spending time with themselves to determine who they are!