In control or being controlled


How often do you sit down alone, with no interruptions, I mean phone off, tell others not to disturb you, close your eyes and be still.  Anyone who does this regularly will know immediately it isn’t easy as a flood of questions and a bombardment of words come rushing into our heads. Very quickly you can identify what is over consuming your time and energy for either addressing it or not.

I’ve learnt that until we find peace with this moment and regain clarity and control, this backlog of tasks will eventually take its toll on us one way or another.  But its not that which I wish to address today. It is the ability to recognise what or who really controls our behaviour.  It could be a habit for some, people for some, dreams, or hurt.  Either way until we resolve or establish a means of being in control, we will lead very miserable lives.

Over the years I have battled to submit and give my control to the worship of my Lord, and alongside this intention I have been tested.  I’m no angel, and in the past I had become dependant on a habit which intoxicated me to the point of freeing me from the very ambush of conversation I today can sit still and be alone with.  But it took a lot of cold turkey, tears, failure and determination to arrive at this place.

The more I strived to be at peace with myself and the more I had to challenge the negative self that I had allowed to grow out of fear of facing it.  The questions were painful, but they required certainty in forgiveness before I could move forward.  I arrived at certainty, but the wait for its delivery sometimes overwhelmed me and I would fall.

We’re living in a time where people are quick to make money off an all too common state of being people have found themselves in, distracting themselves from being alone with social media, drugs, alcohol, sexual activity, work or anything else that will convince them that doing this is better than been alone.

I’m not claiming my time alone is easy, but it has proved to be my greatest strength at winning the battle against my heart that is often all too quick to fall in love with that which is not good for me because I haven’t recognised my worth.  Work in progress, but for now I feel confident enough to say I’m back in control and no longer being controlled by that which is always self serving, and no good for me.


The Secret to Love


I learnt the hard way that loving a man more than you love yourself will only cause you misery and pain.  And I give thanks for having a husband that reminded me with the statement, “If its for Allah, do it! If its for me don’t”.  Now while my friends often scorned me for not taking offence to such a statement, some of them understood the beauty.

I realise over the years that people and things will let you down, and if you depend on them for anything, most typically HAPPINESS, you are setting yourself up to fail.  Here I discovered the Secret to REAL LOVE, one that will never fail you.  But of course it doesn’t always go to plan.  Too much its obsession, too little its neglect, so how do we establish that we are loving just right?

Over time I learnt that as a Muslim my love must be distributed in a certain if I’m to be successful at loving the right way. And so it goes, I must love Allah, first and foremost, love Prophet Muhammed (Peace and Blessings be upon him) and then love my self.  Thats a lot of loving I’ve done before I’ve even got to my spouse, children or others.  But in reality this method of loving ensures that we are a long way from immediately seeking our own pleasure which isn’t always the right choice, especially concerning matters of the ego/heart which can be very self serving when it comes to getting what we want.

The result is actually an amazing one, been in a relationship that is selfless.  The two that love argue in the name of Allah, not in the name of love.  They adhere to the rewards and punishments of the one they love (Allah) to determine how a dispute will end.  Their Lord promises the one one is quick to settle in an argument even though they know they are right will be rewarded.

The companions (Sahabah)  of the Prophet Muhammed (May peace and Blessings be upon him)  would only marry their daughters to men who displayed high levels of Taqwa (fear of Allah) and Ilm (Knowledge), so in the event of the marriage deteriorating, the daughters would be protected by the chosen husbands eager to please their Lord via the treatment of their wives.

Its information when you don’t understand, but when you do its knowledge.  And only the wise know how to apply it.  In my opinion we have a lot of knowledgeable people but lack those who have wisdom, something that is only granted from God.

Many have seen me struggle and question my motives for staying in a religion that appears to have presented me with noting but trials.  But at the end of my trials, through patience and prayer I receive blessings that I refuse to boast about. But secretly I give thanks to the lessons that bring me closer to my Lord and my self and a life full of promises that will never be broken by my Lord. In sha Allah (God Willing)

Spirituality V Religion


I’m a Muslim because I have 100% conviction that Islam is the truth, and this has been affirmed through times when I’ve asked from my Lord and he has provided.  But there are times I experience moments that leave me questioning the height of spirituality.

Twice now I’ve been contacted by Non Muslims who have reached out to me telling me that they had an urgency to contact me out of no where, at a time when I was in need of wisdom.  Now these are people I value highly for good character and conduct.  Which leaves me revisiting a realm of spirituality that see’s no divisions, all it see’s is vibrations and frequencies.

If you’re loosing me at this point, than maybe spirituality ain’t your thang, but if you’re intrigued then what I’m getting at, is what is it that transforms our behaviour? Our ability to communicate on a spiritual plane or a physical one.

It is fast becoming my opinion that purification of the soul, or self is what elevates our ability to conduct ourselves on a spiritual plane.  For example meeting someone who fasts, meditates, is grateful, eats good, abstains from intoxicants will present to you a different set of outcomes in comparison to one who does all of the opposite.  And what clearly makes these people distinct is their ability to over-ride the lowly things that control us and keep us away from exploring our spirituality.

When you’re hungry you eat, when you’re tired you sleep, when you’re horny you have sex, when you’re angry you shout!  With no restraint you lack the discipline required to help you elevate on a spiritual plane.

So concluding my theory, it is those that practice restraint, whether it is in the name of God, Health or Self, elevating them to a world that delivers them instincts others cannot attain without the same disciplines in place, is what unites us.

Whether or not Religion is the truth, continues to be the journey of the self to decide with the aid of the Most High, the creator of everything that exists!

Big love to my spiritual brothers and sisters, I have many! Praise be to God!


I need a drink!


Yep, every now and then things get really bad, and I contemplate putting on my coat and nipping to the Offy.  And the fact that I have friends that will indulge in the odd night out that leaves them slurring or crawling at the end leaves me wondering if I can join them.

But there is a fight inside of me, one that has been there since I embraced Islam roughly 8 years ago.  It was then that I discovered something called the sweetness of eemaan (faith), and what a beautiful feeling it is.  If one could describe it, it would be like been pushed in a sea and standing up drenched in pure faith and certainty that nothing and no one but God can save me.

I’ve turned to many things to get emotional gratification in the past, to fill the dark void within, that was like a black hole.  I’d find short fixes, but they were either bad for me in the long run, or left me feeling even worse that I’d originally started off.  Within the space of 3 months I went from nightclubbing with the girls, to been covered from head to toe.

I’d explored so many religions, Christianity, Buddhism, African Spirituality and all of them were like snowflakes of knowledge slowing collecting on the roof top of my house.  I remember one day, crying and falling to my knees saying God, Most High, Jah, whoever you are whatever you are, show me the way.  And just like that, the next morning it was like an avalanche of information came crashing down on me, and I had no doubt what the truth was.

One of the biggest mistakes I made back then however, is in the midst of me wanting to give thanks to my Lord for giving me this sweetness of Eemaan, I turned to people who would in turn dictate their version of Islam.  Without realising it, I would do things to almost impress them, and demonstrate through my identity and actions my devotion to God.

Today however if I could do things differently I would.  Over time I realise this method of Worshipping Allah was wrong.  Not only was it wrong because I always walked a thin line between pleasing people or my Lord, but it was oppressive.  It took me away from the real beauty of Islam, one that I wouldn’t have discovered, if I hadn’t fell flat on my face.

Fear Allah my company would tell me! And that is all I seemed to do, and to be fair it wasn’t enough.  Allah has 99 names, and we should learn them for a reason.  I need Allah’s Mercy, I need to know Allah is all Just, and the list goes on.  Cause when I mess up, and turn back to things that displease my Lord, I need to know that as quick as I repent, is as quickly as my Lord forgives me.  This approach enabled me to act out of Love, not just fear.

So as much as I admire the intoxicated one, after a night of tears, and learning to be alone with my self and the ambush of evil whispers, I wake up grateful to have developed the strength to love my self enough to do right by myself.  However on a bad night, if you see me in the corner or unable to walk a straight line, don’t judge me.  Allah is my judge, All seeing all knowing!

Dedicated to my brothers and sisters who despite their demons, Believe!  May Allah bless us all with the sweetness of eemaan Ameen!




Writing is a healing.


Practice what you preach and so the saying goes.  And I can honestly say it has been achieved and furthermore it is what has led me to be where I am today.

Refreshingly, my arrival back in the UK, greeted me with the embodiment of who I used to be as lots of my past encounters reached out to me to share their joy of my return.  My latest adventure had taken me to Kuwait where I had to manage a new set of life skills learning how to adapt to living in the middle east.  So for the last year my previous vacancy to help others was now closed as I focused on family and career.

My previous well established routine of blogging and vlogging diminished and was replaced with building my own confidence in this new chapter of my life which I had no time to write about.  Instead I managed the odd picture and lots of whats apping, catching up with those that mattered at times when I wasn’t my strong and confident self.

Its been 6 months now that I’ve been back in the UK, and in that time, I not only revisited the past of myself, but I became a mom again for the third time, praise be to God.

I feel like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon as I spread my wings, as truly after almost a year of hibernation, I feel the passion of the writer emerge and scream out for the sound of those fingers tapping away on the keys.

Its been a year full of tears, happiness and joy, and I can’t wait to share the lessons, cause in every hardship there is a valuable lesson.  As I started so I will finish, meaning that on reflection of how and when my blogging journey began, it was with the same enquiry about life.  I chose to share my desire to change what was in my control and give the rest to God.  And here I am again, starting with the woman in the mirror, with stretch marks, scars and a really big smile.

Writing is my healing, so thank you to those who have stuck with me all the way 🙂  Your reading is my motivation

Peace and Love to you all!

Your Pain has a purpose.


How liberating is it to look back at a trial or tribulation you were going through, and acknowledge that you made it through.  You feel the beginning of something new grow inside of you that you thought was never possible to exist.  But all along it was there, and it wouldn’t have become without the hardship you encountered.

How beautiful is it, to thank your Lord, and develop the strength to forgive.  To look the people in the face that were a part of a time in your life, when they could have been there to pick you up, but they didn’t.  Instead those people you thought would help you up, stood and watched.  Some of them were tired of picking you up and wanted you to do it for yourself, whilst others merely stood back satisfied to see you struggle as they had predicted or prayed for.

You can forgive them because in the absence of their help, you learnt the greatest gift of all, that you can help yourself.  And you can thank your Lord, because you can see, that if this hardship hadn’t have existed, you wouldn’t reap the benefits of the person you are today.

Today I’m surrounded with people who are beautified through their speech and actions.  They ooze positivity and love, walking around leaving their presence like a beautiful scent in the air.  People like this embrace hardship through patience and prayer knowing the struggle will only prolong the hardship.  Whilst the prayer and patience will allow the reason for the hardship to manifest, and another lesson of life to unfold.

As I’m blessed with another year these are my reflections.  I give thanks for the people and the experiences that allow me to grow and share where I can.


God is Good God is Great

With Love your Sister