Tag Archives: famillies

Can mommy be daddy?

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From very early on we are given a strong idea of what a family looks like, and it usually consists of mommy, daddy, brother and sister.  This idea is pushed via movies, books and everyday life deceiving us in to believing that happily ever after can only exist in this scenario, but what happens when it don’t turn out that way?

The answer is evident and is taking place all over the world, in Britain alone there are 2 million single parents!  Unfortunately most of these single parents are women who are forced to make tough decisions, either swim against the current or get swept away leading you to one destination which is often one with poor life chances.

Now the dynamics of single parents is vast because of course as we started to tackle these high numbers we first have to clarify how single these parents are.  What I mean here is when parents are successful at establishing good co parenting despite separation we can quickly anticipate the well being of the child.  But when it all goes wrong and communication can’t be established it is unfortunate that the only one that suffers is the child who is in no way deserving of this outcome.

In the absence of the father, mothers are forced to be both mommy and daddy, not only taking on the goodie and baddie role’s but also working through times of illness which can only impact their well being.  This means children are being raised by mothers who are often working under extremely stressful conditions, and when they get things wrong, people fail to remember this.

Why we live in a country that seems to make it all to easy for fathers to abandon their responsibilities.  Child Support doesn’t make a great father, emotional support does, and whilst mothers continue to play mommy and daddy, I question the well being of a generation raised in one parent families.  I could go on but I think thats enough to think about for now!

Families drift at the Hospital Bedside

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Akward!

Heart pounding

Mouth dry

I want to sit here and talk to them

But my limbs and tongue refuse to try

Years of their harshness has led me to this

At the bedside of my mother

in a place we can’t dismiss

I tried to make it easy

I promised that I’d try

But my hope to make peace is futile

as I failed the task to submit and comply

I was never the victim in their eyes

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I was so confident something would happen.  I’m not quite sure what exactly, but something.  Sat in a circle on our chairs everyone’s faces were dark with the weight of what they knew.  Confronted I was sure he would deny it all, so I took a great leap of faith with my counsellor by my side.  Only 15 years old, and while some may call it naive, I saw courage and strength.  My counsellor had prepared me, and thought it was very optimistic that all of the family were so interested.  And so the moment came, someone asked, ” Did you abuse her then, did you sexually abuse her”?

You could cut the air with a knife.  I don’t remember anyone sitting next to me, however I do remember the faces in the room.  Waiting for his answer was like a man standing in front of me with a gun, would he fire a blank, kill me or walk away.  “yes he said I did”.  Quite a lot of people burst into tears, including his wife, who I felt it most for, If I’d have kept quite I wouldn’t have put her through so much.  The echoes of the past that still live with me today.

So what next?  How did this family react, did they react even? The answer is a shocking NO.  NOTHING, no shouting, no beating no screaming.  For me it just seemed like business as usual, and little did I know what lay ahead of me.  All the preparing my counsellor did went down the drain. Cause what took me years to learn is that been abused was the least of my worries.  It was how my family responded that lead me further into a world of abuse, vulnerability, guilt, denial, acceptance and forgiveness to free myself from a harsh reality.  I never was a victim in their eyes.

Make money, don’t let it make you!

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As I take a little time out to do some computer work, my daughter climbs on my lap. I give her a cuddle and she reaches out for her bowl of grapes. I get it for her and then she hands me one. We smile at each other as we eat.

We often get bombarded with so many beliefs about what makes us happy and become confused. What I love about the gift of children is that opportunity to dance in the rays of unconditional love and be faced with the simply reminders of attaining happiness.

In light of all the drama in the media, part of me wanted to disappear into a hole where attitudes and beliefs have not being manipulated from their true form. It got me thinking where did it all go wrong?

We all bleed the same blood, and no life should be shown more value in the event of a death. But somehow the media have been given full consent to broadcast as they see fit, manipulating the masses to behave as they have predicted. It’s like a big social experiment unravels before our eyes and limitations are pushed. All of a sudden the news of a death reaches us with a label, beautiful, kind, great humanitarian, Christian, Soldier, child, elder, rich and we are forced to respond.

How I’d love to live in a village where trade was animals, or skill or belongings. I wonder who and when decided money would be a good idea. It seems money has over taken the qualities of mankind, like kindness, honesty and being charitable.

Today I’m pushed off my high horse lying on the floor wondering where my desire to live in this world will take me. A place where money has little value. I see people killing themselves unable to pay taxes, bills or provide food for their families. People giving all of their time on this earth to a job they hate. I pray that my own circumstances will not force me to wake up and make the same choices. I continue to hold on to my values and not let money make who I am, but rather I continue to earn money so I may spend it with my loved ones travelling through this land called earth.

Love shouldn’t hurt

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Love shouldn't hurt

Coming to a stage in your life when you decide to tell all those that you love and you were never good enough for to either take what you are given or leave it, has to be one of the most liberating experiences for the self.

Our first expereince of loving people who cannot love us back the right way has to be family. I had first hand expereince of exhausting myself to do what I thought would keep my family happy. The consequences was living a life of desicions that pleased everyone else but me.

Until we finally accept or learn that our family should not of loved us with conditions but rather supported us when we make desicions they may or not agree with.

My famillies approach to this set me up for a lot of years trying to figure out why I ended up in a relationship that replicated the very same controlling measures and type of relationship.

Although looking back my life seems like the ultimate car crash, i’m greatful to have been on the journey of self discovery, because had i have never un learnt this type of loving, I probably would have just passed it on through my children.

Although painful, removing those that abused this love or distancing myself from these people enabled me to heal and grow.

Until the day finally arrived when i’d expect nothing less than the best for myself, despite how it seemed to others.

Loving yourself has to be one of the most gratifying expereinces ever, because for the first time in my life, I can put myself before others as I previously had great difficulty in doing.

I’m not dismissing that helping others is something that should be stopped, but rather that we take care of ourselves so we understand how we can share that advice with others and help others implement it.

Ultimately love should not hurt, and when we find outselves in relationships like this, assesment is important to define whether we are being pateint or opressing ourselves by staying in a relationship we struggle with.

And Allah knows best!